NEW HOLE - NEW HOPE

Saturday the weather was spectacular and I was enjoying a fun game of golf with friends. Having finished holes 12, 13 and 14 with more strokes than I liked, I approached the next tee box and announced to my foursome, “New hole”. My friend Ramona immediately responded, “New hole, new hope”. That resonated with me as I have long believed golf is a metaphor for life. I smiled and thanked her for saying that. I added “It might just be my next blog title”. And so it is……………………………………..

New Hole - New Hope

New Love - New Hope

New Marriage - New Hope

New Baby - New Hope

New Test - New Hope

New Teacher - New Hope

New Treatment - New Hope

New Diagnosis - New Hope

New Vaccine - New Hope

New Recipe - New Hope

New Chef - New Hope

New Information - New Hope

New Idea - New Hope

New Plan - New Hope

New Attitude - New Hope

New Commitment - New Hope

New Day - New Hope

New Month - New Hope

New Year - New Hope

I’m sure you can add your own to this list.

-Harriet

RELATIONSHIP ROAD

The Gottman Institute offered the following on October 8, 2020 in their email newsletter called “The Marriage Minute”: “The saying, ‘It’s a marathon, not a sprint’ could apply to relationships, but a better metaphor to consider might be that commitment is a road, not a destination. You and your partner are on the road together. Was it bumpy at the start? Have there been unexpected detours? Or maybe you’ve even hit a pothole or two. But the best way to move forward is not to dwell in those potholes. Even if they cause a flat tire, you call roadside assistance and keep going. It’s okay to hit a rough patch. It’s okay to call for help. ask for directions, or look at a map if you’re lost. You’re on the road together, navigating it side by side. Trust and love are built in the small moments, and often as a result of some of the toughest stretches of road. “

And what about your relationship with yourself? Are you judgmental of yourself? Do you blame yourself for every little thing that goes wrong? Has that approach helped your relationship with yourself? When my children were growing up I used to remind them that the only guarantee in life was CHANGE. Everything changes and because that’s true of ourselves as well, why not take the opportunity to observe your behavior, actions, thoughts and emotions, rather than judge them.

Observing is neutral and therefore not hurtful. It might even lead to a more positive approach to viewing your relationship with yourself and then, hopefully, your relationship with others.

-Harriet

TIME FOR REFLECTION

I dedicate this blog to the memory of Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg, a true champion of justice and women, who died on the eve of the Jewish New Year 5781.

Perhaps you have experienced what I have; that at times the months since COVID has changed our lives seems like years. Many hopes and dreams have been squashed and normal living has has been seriously altered. 2020 has been filled with feelings of shock, grief, fear, anger and anxiety. People have felt out of control in having to make necessary changes in their daily routine confronted by an ever-changing landscape of facts and fiction as well as an overwhelming need to follow every bit of published or televised news.

And yet many have discovered benefits and feelings of gratitude during this challenging time. I know I have. I’ve had more time to reflect.

Calendars may mark dates but holidays are benchmarks. Knowing this Jewish New Year may not be your custom or practice, perhaps, however, it’s not too early (as it has felt like years and not months since January 1) to reflect anyway. I encourage you to look at two important questions during this week, recommended by my rabbi.

1 - What do I regret ?

2 - What do I hope to do (accomplish ) in the coming year?

I share the sentiments of my friend Jane’s New Year’s greeting, “It’s been quite a year! Yet, so much to be thankful for. Wishing you good health, happiness and a bright 5781. Freedom to hug, freedom to travel, freedom to have a safe election, freedom to go to real school, freedom for those who do not have enough to eat, freedom for all oppressed people.”

-Harriet

WHY WOMEN WIN

Jackie Cochran and Janey Briggs Hart (pilot, avid sailor, wife of Senator Philip Hart and mother of eight children) worked zealously to have women included in the initial space flights. On July 17, 1962, Janey testified at a congressional hearing saying “…a hundred years ago it was quite inconceivable that women should serve as hospital attendants…it was somehow indecent for a woman to be among the soldiers, wounded or not” and went on to say “…a woman in space was no more preposterous than a woman in a field hospital during the Civil War.” *

And to think many a romantic movie script would not have been written without that change.

We have witnessed the advancement of women to lofty positions in education as presidents of colleges and universities), CEO’s of Fortune 500 companies and presidents and prime ministers of many countries.

August 18th marked the 100 year anniversary of the ratification of the 19th Amendment, granting all American women the right to vote. Not only is it important to acknowledge that date but also the 100 year struggle to get to that point. Let’s not take that for granted. Let’s not become complacent about the importance of voting. In a letter John Lewis wrote just prior to his recent death he shared, “Voting and participating in the democratic process are key. The vote is the most powerful nonviolent change agent you have in a democratic society. You must use it because it is not guaranteed. You can lose it.”

Where would we be if women couldn’t minister to the sick and wounded?

Where would we be now if female engineers, scientists, mathematicians, pilots and “human computers” were not part of our space program?

Every American citizen over the age of 18 can vote in the next election. I encourage you to have conversations with your families, especially the young adults, as I have, educating and modeling for them.

VOTE on or before Nov. 3rd.

• page 321 ‘Fighting for Space’ by Amy Shira Teitel (2020)

-Harriet

GRATITUDE and OPPORTUNITY

As I had been mulling over various ideas for my monthly blog I realized just about everything related to COVID 19 has been addressed in print or on the internet whether it be ever-changing facts or hypothetical situations for the future, guidance for coping whether it be for emotional reactions or the pragmatic adjustment for a family living, studying and working together daily in close quarters.

As I reflected on my life these past 5 months experiencing disappointments with cancelled family lifecycle events and travel as well as constrained living, reducing my time and involvement as in the past, volunteering, facilitating grief workshops and networking, two words came to mind.

GRATITUDE and OPPORTUNITY

I consciously and daily choose to be grateful for my health, my loving relationships with family and friends and my “cocoon”, my community, that has given me the opportunity to be physically active and socially connected in a safe and supportive environment.

“What opportunities?” you may ask.

1- The opportunity to spend more time playing the piano, challenging myself with new music as well as revisiting old favorites.

2- The opportunity to read books that have expanded my choice of genre, knowledge and enjoyment. Two such books are" “Pilgrimage To Eternity” by Timothy Egan and “Rise And Kill First” by Ronen Bergman.

3- The opportunity to reach out more frequently to family and friends if only by phone, offering mine and receiving their supportive voice during these stressful months.

4- The opportunity to learn and practice a new form of exercise which focuses on improving balance, flexibility and strength as well as enhancing my mental and physical wellbeing.

5- The opportunity (and I know my children and grandchildren will find this hilarious) to search out and try new and delicious recipes for our dinners.

I encourage you to look beyond the stress, fear and fatigue of living with COVID 19 limitations and acknowledge something you are grateful for. I also urge you to learn something new; try a new hobby, get a pet, reconnect with someone from your past or complete a jigsaw puzzle.

I leave you with this quote from a financial advisor company as part of an email to their clients, “Times like this promote reflection and a clearer understanding of truly how fortunate we are.”

-Harriet

THE TIME IS NOW

“No one is born hating another person because of the color of his skin, his background, or his religion. People must learn to hate, and if they can learn to hate, they can be taught to love, for love comes more naturally for the human heart than its opposite.”

Nelson Mandela (1918-2013)

“Darkness cannot drive out darkness; only light can do that. Hate cannot drive out hate; only love can do that.”

Martin Luther King, Jr (1929-1968)

“When human lives are endangered, when human dignity is in jeopardy, national borders and sensitivities become irrelevant. Whenever men and women are persecuted because of their race, religion, or political views, that place must - at the moment - become the center of the universe.”

Eli Weisel (1928-2016)

What are you doing to make a difference?

-Harriet

UNIVERSAL GRIEF

There is one word that sums up the myriad of feelings that we all are experiencing now - GRIEF.

And it’s universal grief! Some other examples of universal grief were the deaths of JFK and Princess Di, because “we knew them”. 9/11 is another example of universal grief not just because so many died in one event but we lost our sense of security as American citizens as well as the symbol of our financial center.

Because of COVID-19 we are grieving the life we knew, the routine, the normalcy, the assumptions we had lived with. There is constant, confusing and changing information thrust upon us be it from our cell phones, TV or the last person we talked with.

Normal coping skills are not working for many people. This is evident with increased numbers of suicide including an experienced and well respected doctor who was the director of the New York-Presbyterian Allen Hospital Emergency Department in Manhattan. And what will the long term effect have on healthcare workers and first responders?

Domestic violence has increased as well. The abused have no place to hide.

The celebration of life cycle events like weddings, graduations, birthdays and funerals are null and void but sometimes celebrated in creative ways far from the ones we love.

I remember when airlines gave discounted fares for those traveling to a family funeral. Now the closest of family cannot enter a hospital, inpatient hospice facility or nursing home for a final goodby prior to an impending death.

At this time when we need solace, we cannot enter a church, mosque or synagogue to worship with our supportive community.

And our jobs…. the latest figure for unemployment in the US is 38.6 million.

Children and teens, particularly, are being stressed in new ways. Not only are they losing parents and grandparents but teachers, coaches and mentors. They have lost the security of daily or weekly routines. If you are looking for some support, guidance and suggestions for dealing with children/teens during this pandemic, I encourage you to visit this website: StephenGrayWallace.com for the link to his May 19th article published in “Psychology Today” entitled “Crisscross: We already had a youth mental health crisis- Now What?”

I have no answer, no advice, no conclusion….Recognizing the impact of universal grief I hope we can each attempt to understand and respect the normal/unique grief of our family and friends.

Be well.

-Harriet

IT'S SURREAL

While kayaking yesterday morning I found it difficult to reconcile two simultaneous scenes in my head. The first was what surrounded me, the peacefulness of the river. The second was what I have learned about the utter frenzy, intensity, exhaustion and death in hospital emergency rooms and ICU’s all over our country.

I found it “eerily quiet” paddling under overcast skies with no wind and no motorboats nearby. The sweet sound of occasional terns as they flitted around the docks as well as the distant crowing of a rooster were the only sounds in addition to my paddle hitting the water. For me it was the perfect moment to pray for those I know who are sick with the coronavirus and for the doctor I know who voluntarily left our “life in paradise” and flew to NYC to minister to COVID 19 patients.

There are many healthy people who are suffering as well. There is fear, anxiety, anger, disbelief, overeating, over drinking, sleeplessness, domestic violence, lethargy, depression and lack of control. It all adds up to GRIEF. I’m aware there has been a constant flow of advice in the media on how to cope with reactions to the pandemic.

Simply I will remind you of some basic coping modalities: talking, writing, prayer, meditation, nature, exercise, pets and music. Give one of these a try. That’s “taking control” of the situation. It’s one of the only ways one can take control. Wishing everyone and your family and friends to be safe and healthy.

-Harriet

BIRTHDAY BLOG

Back around 2008 I purchased, sight unseen, a book that I saw advertised. It measured 11 x 15 inches, containing over 170 full page size incredible colored photographs with corresponding quotations, some funny and others serious, written in three languages, Yiddish, Hebrew and English. It is my all time favorite “coffee table” book and has engendered a myriad of reactions from family and friends who have taken the time to peruse it.

It’s title: Man Plans and God Laughs…and more wisdom from our grandparents.

I quote a paragraph from the editor, George Hanus, “The title of this volume, MAN PLANS AND GOD LAUGHS captures this ironic Yiddish understanding of the human condition. We all spend so much time organizing, reorganizing and scheduling our lives that we often forget that no matter how meticulous our intentions, a circumstance, an act of nature or ill health can change everything in a nanosecond.”

Truthfully, I had planned, researched, developed, revised and edited for the last couple of months what was to be my March blog to commemorate my 80th birthday. However in the light of the world coronavirus pandemic we are living (and dying) through I cannot and will not post it as planned.

Instead, I welcome you to offer prayers for healing and hope. Choose your style and level of comfort or merely reflect quietly on what is happening and what you can do to keep yourself and others safe.

-Harriet

VALENTINE'S DAY

Valentine’s Day conjures up images and thoughts of flowers, cards, chocolates and nowadays, balloons. Red hearts, red roses and cupids are plentiful designs throughout the month of February. Originated as Saint Valentine’s Day or the Feast of Saint Valentine, a Catholic holiday, it is now associated with romantic love. Therefore this holiday can surely be a trigger for someone who has been separated from one’s partner or spouse by death or divorce.

However, today’s blog is not intended as a grief support blog but rather to share some meaningful quotes about LOVE from some famous people.

“Where there is love there is life" Mahatma Gandhi

“See to it that you love yourself” Soren Kierkegaard

“All you need is love” John Lennon

“There is only one happiness in life, to love and be loved” George Sand

“One is loved because one is loved. No reason is needed for loving” Paulo Coelho

“The most important thing in life is to learn how to give out love, and to let it come in” Morrie Schwartz

“The one thing we can never get enough of is love. And the one thing we never give enough of is love” Henry MIller

Make this a meaningful Valentine’s Day for you and someone else.

-Harriet

TO WRITE or NOT TO WRITE?

To write or not to write? That is the question. What started out in December 2015 as a grief support blog has evolved into whatever might inspire me. I have a self imposed deadline and sometimes I am stymied as it gets closer to the end of the month. I then question myself as to why I am doing this. Perhaps it’s time to stop. And then i receive a comment from someone I meet in person or who writes on Facebook or on my website that what I have written has “touched” them in some positive way. And so I go on for another month. While I was floundering as to a theme for this month I received an email from my friend Carol saying, ”I loved this and thought you might too.” And so I read from the the website, “Daily Good - News that Inspires” an article by Anne Lamott titled, “12 Truths I learned from Life and Writing". It resonated with me and you might check it out for yourself.

However, I want to highlight “Number 6-writing”. Anne writes “ Every writer you know writes really bad first drafts, but they keep their butts in the chair. That’s the secret of life. That’s probably the main difference between you and them. They just do it by prearrangement with themselves. They do it as a debt of honor. They tell stories that come through them one day at a time.” And so I too continue to share my experiences, thoughts, reactions and feelings through my interpersonal connections and my blog.

I encourage you to write. Write for yourself first and then share it if you care to. For years I have counseled the bereaved to write as a healing modality and now I suggest writing for a myriad of other reasons. I’m wishing you the courage to begin.

Happy New Year 2020!

-Harriet

NEW YEAR'S RESOLUTIONS

This is the time for making New Year’s resolutions. For what it’s worth, Wikipedia lists the popular resolutions and success rate from past studies. A few are “exercise more, eat better, volunteer, and spend less time on social media”. Which ones have you tried in the past? Did it work? If so, for how long?

Prior to formulating your list or committing to one or two for the coming year, I highly recommend you watch a brief 3 minute YouTube video. It’s an invaluable lesson and may be a new way to approach 2020.

“UNA VERDADERA LECCION PARA UNA VIDA MAS FELIZ” No worries. It’s translated into English.

Wishing all a year of health, peace, love and personal growth.

-Harriet

FINDING CHIKA

TUESDAYS WITH MORRIE by Mitch Albom is the “best selling memoir of all time”. I have just finished reading his latest book, also a memoir, called FINDING CHIKA. Just as Mitch rediscovered his sociology professor, Morrie, by flipping through TV channels, I rediscovered Mitch Albom being interviewed by Anderson Cooper as I was scrolling through CNN’s news highlights on my iPhone. FINDING CHIKA is the story of Mitch and his wife Janine who chose to bring a young Haitian girl to America to find treatment for a rare brain cancer. The memoir shares the choices and challenges experienced by the three of them until Chika’s death at the age of seven.

I found the book heartwarming, inspiring, enlightening and best of all, a reminder of the “attitude of gratitude”.

I quote from page 235: “But none of us are assured of tomorrow. It’s what we do with today that makes an impact. Chika filled every day. She drank it in. She lived it up. And always, always, she affected someone, most often by making them smile. People ask what I learned from this experience. I’ve tried in these pages to lay that out. But I can say one thing above all else. Families are like pieces of art, they can be made from many materials. Sometimes they are from birth, sometimes they are melded, sometimes they are merely time and circumstance mixing together, like eggs being scrambled in a Michigan kitchen. But no matter how a family comes together, and no matter how it comes apart, this is true and will always be true: you cannot lose a child. And we did not lose a child. We were given one. And she was glorious.”

Take time to be thankful, not just on Thanksgiving Day, but everyday, perhaps even twice a day.

-Harriet

DIFFERENT TYPES OF GRIEF

“Seriously, there’s more than one?” Well yes, and depending on your source, the number of types of grief will be different. For example, whatsyourgrief.com lists 15 different types; it’s podcast describes 10. The Spire Health Blog discusses 8.

I’ve chosen to address 4 types of grief in an article published in “Heart Is Diamond” – I invite you to read for yourself: bit.ly/2VZ59uN

– Harriet

WHAT SHOULD I SAY??????????????

My friend’s husband died. What should I say? My neighbor’s mother died. What should I say? My colleague’s best friend died. What should I say? These are common concerns after learning about a death. If you’re comfortable with “comforting the mourner” then you don’t need to continue reading this blog.

Whether you attend the wake, shiva or funeral or meet the person in a store or they live very far from you there are some basic things to remember. Don’t offer platitudes such as “She’s in a better place” or “God needed another angel so He took your loved one”. The bereaved might believe that he needs the person more.

Words are not necessary. Your presence is.

Try looking directly into the person’s eyes and/or offer a hug. If you believe you need to speak, safe validating comments would be ”I can’t imagine what you’re going through or how you’re feeling” or “Please accept my condolences.” If you knew the deceased person share a happy memory with the mourner. Any of your actions may trigger tears but SAD IS NOT BAD - It’s How We Grieve After We’ve Loved. Tears are healthy and healing.

If you can’t be with the bereaved in person send a handwritten note. It can say as little as “Thinking of you” or “I love you”. The written message will likely be saved and reread when the mourner needs to be comforted and supported.

I received the following poem after a widower and his family received my condolence note.

“Perhaps you sent a lovely card or sat quietly in a chair.

Perhaps you spoke the kindest words as any friend could say.

Perhaps you were not there at all - just thought of us that day.

Whatever you did to console our hearts. We thank you so much whatever the part.”

This says it all……………………………………………………………………………………………………….

-Harriet

LOVE LASTS

Today marks the fourteenth anniversary of the death of my husband Jerry. My memoir, SAD IS NOT BAD, poignantly records the experiences, emotions and evolving journey of grief during the challenging first year as revealed in the letters I wrote to him. My letters that were written regularly for two years and still continue occasionally to this day have helped me keep my loving relationship.

One of Morrie Schwartz’s many aphorisms in TUESDAYS WITH MORRIE is “Death ends a life, not a relationship.” And while the relationship obviously changes it does continue. Morrie shared his dying of ALS both through weekly conversations with Mitch Albom, a former student and Ted Koppel of “Nightline”. Morrie taught us how to die but more importantly this Brandeis sociology professor taught us how to live. This quote says it beautifully. “As long as we can love each other, and remember the feeling of love we had, we can die without ever really going away. All the love you created is still there. All the memories are still there. You live on - - in the hearts of everyone you have touched and nurtured while you were here.”

I highly recommend you read or reread TUESDAYS WITH MORRIE, a life altering book or view Ted Koppel’s interview of Morrie Schwartz on YouTube.

-Harriet

SUMMER TIME

“Summer time and the living’ is easy…” But the sun is strong and the heat is high and we are constantly reminded to hydrate and use sun protection with hats and sunscreen. Death knows no season. Grief is challenging at best, whether during summer, fall, winter or spring. There are many bereaved people out there this summer who might benefit from suggestions for SELF CARE; things one can do to support the body and mind while traveling the “journey of grief”.

S - Say NO when you don’t want to do something

E - Eat healthy foods and drink lots of water

L - Love yourself and be compassionate to yourself

F - Follow your instincts

C - Call a friend or professional to share feelings

A - Activity like exercise, swimming and walking

R - Relax your mind with prayer or meditation

E - Express your feelings with music, art or writing

More information about self care in general can be found at “selfcaring.info”

Stay cool…………….

-Harriet

JUST BE THERE

Recently a CNN headline titled, “A Boy With Autism Broke Down At An Orlando Theme Park. The Employee Saved The Day” caught my eye and upon reading the story I learned that 9 year old Ralph had his heart set on visiting the Amazing Adventures of Spider Man and was very patient waiting until the end of the family’s visit to get to it. As the family neared that venue '“Ralph bubbled over with excitement. But with the ride vehicles in sight Spider Man broke down.” His mother’s post on Facebook described her son’s meltdown as he “lay sprawled on the floor…screaming and crying so hard he could barely breathe…and his parents tried to peel him off the ground.” That’s when a Spider Man employee lay down next to Ralph. Not only did she let him cry and helped him breathe but she told him it was OK to be sad. They both stayed there on the ground until Ralph felt better. He then smiled and thanked her.

What have you done when a friend, colleague or family member shared their emotions or words of grief, stress or fear? Did you try to solve their problem, distract them or offer a platitude that all will be ok?

What can you do next time you are in that situation?

JUST BE THERE……………LISTEN - OFFER A HUG - BE PATIENT - WITNESS ……….. JUST BE THERE

And remember SAD IS NOT BAD, It’s How We Grieve After We’ve Loved and it’s how we grieve when we have lost our hope, dream or expectation.

-Harriet

HONORING THE FALLEN

Congressman Brian Mast of the 18th district of Florida sent an email in recognition of Memorial Day. I quote a passage from his message, “Putting on the uniform is something very few Americans get to experience. But for those who do, it is a life-changing experience. Serving in the military is a commitment to a greater cause, defending our freedom and keeping our country safe.

I’ve always tried to teach my kids about what this service means and about the sacrifice made by many so that they can live free. Part of that is showing them that on Memorial Day tears are not weakness. Those tears represent strength because it is emotion for each person who gave the last beat of their heart to defend our freedom.”

I have always encouraged my clients to EMBRACE their feelings when traveling the journey of grief.

And Brian Mast concludes his email with “So, today, as we gather for Memorial Day, please show emotion for those who have fallen and say thank you to all those who have served and sacrificed.”

Take a moment to reflect and honor all those who have helped to keep our country safe and free.

-Harriet

GRIEF IS IMPORTANT

We are in the midst of major religious holidays and these are commonly triggers for feeling our grief, whether recent or from the distant past. I share with you this meaningful message rather than write my own this month.

-Harriet

Grief Is Important
BY MADISYN TAYLOR

Grieving doesn't have to be a process that keeps us rooted in our thoughts of fear and sadness.

Change is something that happens each and every moment in our lives. Since nothing is constant, it may sometimes seem as if we are losing something whenever things do change. Understanding that this is part of our daily existence and that there will not only be gains but also losses in our lives can help us more readily accept and deal with whatever happens. 

Whenever we lose something or somebody we love, it is important for us to take time out for ourselves and truly feel the weight of what we are experiencing. Although it may seem that doing so will push us into a deeper state of sadness, truly giving ourselves permission to be with whatever arises actually creates space for us to begin the healing process. This is because the act of grieving is a natural process, allowing us to sort through the range of emotions that are present in our everyday existence. Even though it may sometimes seem easier to involve ourselves in activities that take our minds off of our sadness, this will only make the route to healing more difficult. Unless we listen to where we are in the moment, the emotions we experience will only grow in intensity, and our feelings will manifest themselves in more powerful and less comfortable ways. Once we consciously acknowledge that these emotions are present, however, we are more able to soothe the sorrow of the moment. In so doing, we become more open to our natural ability to heal ourselves. 

Grieving doesn't have to be a process that keeps us rooted in our thoughts of fear and sadness. For the moment we might feel despondent, but by expressing and coping with our true feelings, we face the sadness head-on. When we allow ourselves to accept and deal with our loss fully, we will then be able to continue our life's journey with a much more positive and accepting outlook. This will make it easier for us to see that our grief is ephemeral and, just like our moments of happiness, it will also come to pass.